


One Season to Save them all!!!

by Joan_of_Arc



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Gen, Parody, season 7 - what the hell??, yeah! like that could ever happen!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-01 01:59:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12146202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joan_of_Arc/pseuds/Joan_of_Arc
Summary: Many of the major events in the saga re-written as if they had been filmed in season 7 (or 6 or 5). Expect lots of deus-ex-machina moments, last minute rescues, heroic plans, big coincidences, characters knowing a lot more than they should, funny one-liners from otherwise stoic and stiff characters, comedic situations at dire moments, illogical decisions, irrational actions, blind faith in people there is no reason to trust and, of course, sweet innocent romance!!! Your run-of-the-mill Game of Thrones season …





	1. Ned’s beheading - or The Sizzling Sisters

**Author's Note:**

> Please bear in mind this is PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!  
> Please do not leave comments such as XX is out of character, YY would never do that, that would never happen. I know!!!  
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think.  
> Thanks!!!

**_ 1) Ned’s beheading or The Sizzling Sisters  _ **

 

It was a clear morning. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. People were gathering in the Sept of Baelor as they always did in cases of festivities or celebrations … or executions, as the one they were about to witness.

 

Two girls looked on hopelessly and helplessly as their father was brought out in chains and confessed to crimes he had never committed. One girl, the youngest one, had greasy dark hair pulled back in a hastily and carelessly made pony tail, her clothes were dirty and torn and one could not tell her apart from the beggars and common people gathered in the square. She was clutching her sword, hiding behind a statue in the plaza hoping to catch her father’s eyes but not to be recognized by the rest of the people in the crowd. The other girl stood in the balcony next to the royal family, her long red hair fashioned in an intricate braid emulating the Queen’s own style, a queen whom she had began to admire and trust as she hoped to be family one day once she married the boy King. She smiled dreamily in her pretty blue dress confident and proud of herself, as she had been assured that what she had done would go a long way in absolving her beloved father. She hoped and prayed that her efforts to save him had been enough – but unfortunately, they hadn’t …

 

“My mother wishes me to let Lord Eddard join the Night’s Watch” the shrilly voice of the boy King rang out. “And my Lady Sansa has begged mercy for her father.” The boy King looked gracefully at his betrothed and smiled sweetly at her. But that mercy lasted for only a few seconds. “But they have the soft hearts of women” he continued in a stern voice with the strength only a powerful King can muster. Looking at the crowd he added “Lord Ilyn, bring me his head”.

 

Cheers filled the Square. The traitor was being aptly punished, or so the populace believed. The King was grinning; the executioner was relishing the feel of the Valiryan steel longsword, which incidentally belonged to the man kneeling before him; and the Queen was pleading with her son, but to no avail. The accused man remained on his knees waiting to feel his cherished sword for the last time, and not precisely in the way he was used to. Hoping to get a last glimpse of her daughters before he left this world for good he looked at the crowd before him. But the statue was bare. His youngest daughter was nowhere to be found. He looked up at the balcony only to see his oldest daughter crying and pleading to the King for his life. He took in the scene before him and closed his eyes for the last time with a prayer on his lips.

 

But the daughters were not about to take this sitting down. In the distance, they found each other above the jeering crowd and locked eyes. They nodded imperceptibly: a plan had just been devised.

 

Standing at the balcony, Sansa, the oldest daughter, managed to break free from the strong arms holding her back. She knocked one of the guards with her head and kneed the other one in the groin. She made a lunge at the boy King standing just a few feet away and got to him before anybody could stop her. She grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and violently shook him.

 

Unbeknown to her, one of the King guards, Ser Meryn Trant came up behind her to grab her. Fortunately, the guard known as The Hound, whom she had befriended earlier, stood in his way and made him trip. “Watch your step” The Hound said to Ser Meryn Trant as he fell down the steep steps that led to the balcony and broke his head in the fall.

 

Meanwhile, the other daughter, Arya, seized the moment and dashed, sword in hand towards her father, slicing and dicing any soldier who had the misfortune to stand in her way or who dared try and stop her. The spectators watched in awe as these two, otherwise defenseless and innocent looking girls, took the execution by storm.

 

Chaos ensued and mayhem reigned. Startled by the sudden uproar, Ser Ilyn Payne took a second too long to bring down his sword, a fact that was aptly used by the prisoner, Ned Stark, to move sideways so that the sword just hit the ground and bounced off the stone floor causing a reverberating effect on the executioner’s arms. Not wasting another second, Arya rushed to her father sprinted up the steps and grabbed the sword from the hands of a dumbfounded executioner and quickly severed his head. Father and daughter winked conspiratorially at each other and shared a knowing smile.

 

Up in the balcony, Sansa watched with relief as her father escaped death and her sister quickly caught up with him at the foot of the Sept of Baelor. She had King Joffrey grabbed by the neck. Suddenly Joffrey, seemingly awaking from his confused stupor, started to claw at her face. In an effort to thwart his ferocious scrapes, Sansa momentarily let go of Joffrey’s neck, causing the poor boy to lose his footing and plunge onto the street below. His body landed with a loud thwack and blood started pooling under his head as his skull broke open.

 

When she heard the sickening thud and saw her son splattered on the street below, the King’s mother, Cersei, was gripped by a fury only a mother can know and jumped at Sansa in the hopes of pushing her down as well. But Sansa was not to be caught unawares. From the corner of her eye she saw the Queen mother make a run towards her and swiftly dodged her assault. The poor woman, pushed by her own thrust and momentum, could not stop herself before the edge. She landed on top of Joffrey, her last breath spent on a whisper on his dead son’s ear.

 

Upon seeing the King and the Queen Mother fall and die the crowd suddenly gasped and went silent. Ned Stark seized the moment and started to speak:

 

“Beloved people of King’s Landing. My name is Eddard Stark, Lord of Winterfell and former Hand to our revered late King Robert Baratheon. I am, and have always been a man of Honor. Honor defines who I am and where I come from. Yes. I have lied to you. I confessed to crimes I have never committed. I never intended to take Robert’s crown nor to dismiss the rightful heir to the Crown. But if I did so, it was for an honorable reason: my daughters were being threatened. Their lives I value more than my own and more than my honor. Now, the Gods have been good and just and my daughters stand before you, alive and well.”

 

The crowd clapped and cheered.

 

“So, yes,” he continued his impromptu speech “I have lied about committing those crimes, but I have not lied about Joffrey’s true identity. The boy you formerly knew as your King is nothing but an ill-begotten bastard born of incest between his mother, former Queen Mother Cersei Baratheon, and his uncle Ser Jamie Lannister. Not only has Cersei committed adultery, but she has also committed incest!”

 

Seeing no reason not to believe this renowned honorable man, the people in the crowd started jeering and booing the two dead former members of the royal family.

“Liars!”

“Abomination!”

“A bastard is not our king!”

 

The spectators showed their complete and utter disrespect for the family who had lied to them. When Ned Stark urged the crowd to keep calm a new voice rang out:

 

“Eddard Stark is a man of honor. The only honorable highborn Lord we know in this city. He has saved us from this untrustworthy King and his whore of a mother. Yes, he lied, but his lie was a lie built in honor. He is the King of Honor!”

“Yes, the only honorable politician in this city of liars and hypocrites!” yelled another one.

“We need no lying cunts to lead us, we need a man of Honor!” another voice rang.

“We know no King but the King of Honor, whose name is Stark! King Eddard Stark. The King of Honor!”

“The King of Honor!” the excited crowd chanted.

“The King of Honor!”

“The King of Honor!”

 

Ned did not consider himself worthy of that title. But the people had chosen him to be their King of their own free will. He could not reject their choice, belittle their will and rebuff their request. Preparations soon began for the coronation of the new King, and a raven was sent to his wife, thereafter known as Queen Catelyn Stark, who arrived promptly at the capital.

 

After the mess left behind by the Baratheons and Lannisters, it was decreed that Ser Jamie Lannister would be sent to the Wall to spend the remainder of his days serving the realm as a Brother of the Nights Watch. Many people still wanted him executed or imprisoned, but King Eddard decided to start his reign as a merciful King. The other two children by Cersei and Jamie, sweet Myrcella and Tommen would be allowed to stay in King’s Landing, the only city they had ever known, as wards of the new Royal family. This was both a merciful and a wise act on the part of Ned. By keeping them close and under constant guard, the Starks would make sure the two Lannister bastards never felt inclined to mount a rebellion. Lord Tywin Lannister was made to abjure all the debt owed to him by the crown, since, in fact, it had been is own daughter who had used the money.

 

Somebody raised the issue of Stannis Baratheon, late King Robert’s brother, being the rightful heir to the crown. But this matter was quickly put to rest by Stannis himself. He declared he could not go against the will of the people who had, of their own volition, chosen their new King. Instead, he pledged himself to the new King and swore allegiance to King Eddard Stark.

 

King Eddard Stark surrounded himself with wise and loyal men for his Small Council and decided to include men of all the different regions: the North (his friend GreatJon Umber), the Riverlands (his wife’s uncle Brynden Tully), the Eyrie (Yhon Royce whom he had met and befriended during the time he spent as a ward in the Vale), The Stormlands (Stannis Baratheon himself), Dorne (Prince Oberyn Martell, their petty squabble over the death of Oberyn’s sister Elia, and Ned’s sister Lyanna Stark’s role in her fate obviously forgiven and forgotten), the Westernlands (Lord Tyrion Lannister, the only Lannister he deemed was worthy of such honor), and the Reach (Willas Tyrell).

 

King Eddard Stark “The King of Honor” together with his beloved wife, Catelyn Stark, ruled peacefully for many years, until a blond foreign Queen landed on their shores from a distant continent with a horde of savages and a couple of dragons and until a new threat which put the whole realm in danger awoke north of the Wall …. But that is a tale for another day …

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up Next: The Red Wedding


	2. The Red Wedding - or A Dog, a Wolf and a Fish walk into a Bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of the major events in the saga re-written as if they had been filmed in season 7 (or 6 or 5). Expect lots of deus-ex-machina moments, last minute rescues, heroic plans, big coincidences, characters knowing a lot more than they should, funny one-liners from otherwise stoic and stiff characters, comedic situations at dire moments, illogical decisions, irrational actions, blind faith in people there is no reason to trust and, of course, sweet innocent romance! Your run-of-the-mill Game of Thrones season …
> 
> Please bear in mind this is PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!
> 
> Please do not leave comments such as XX is completely out of character, YY would never do that, that could never happen. I know!
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think.
> 
> Thanks!

**_ 2) The Red Wedding or A Dog, a Wolf and a Fish walk into a Bar .. .  _ **

 

She was one day away from reuniting with her family. One day away from seeing her mother and bother and be rid of this troublesome man who was making her walk all around the countryside. Just one day. She would catch up with them at her mother’s brother’s wedding and then they would be on their merry way back home to Winterfell.

 

Arya Stark and former Lannister guard Sandor Clegane, also known as The Hound had been traveling together for days now. She had escaped King’s Landing right after her father’s execution, and after many horrid adventures, lost friends and frightening ordeals she had met up with the Brotherhood without Banners. She thought she’d be safe, some of the men knew her father. But she wasn’t. The Hound, the man that had committed the first act of cruelty she had seen since this whole nightmare started, had joined them as well. He deserved to die. He was a heartless man who would kill innocent children at the behest of a tyrant. So she had run away, again. And she had been caught, yet again. It was the Hound that found her, but instead of killing her, he promised to take her to her family. He was indeed an intimidating man, with his burned face, rude personality and bawdy demeanor. But she could put up with his presence if that meant she would see her family again.

 

She could barely sleep that night. She kept reciting that list of hers, people she meant to kill one day: _Cersei, Joffrey, Ilyn Payne, the Hound …_ Yes, he would kill him. She knew it was not right. He was the one taking her back to her family, but that did not atone for what he had done. He had killed Mycah, her friend, and he would pay for it.

 

This morning routine should be no different than any other morning they had shared in this impromptu trip: she would break her fast with fruit, he would break his with ale; she would practice with her thin blade she had named Needle, and he would just polish his sword and look at her with a combination of wonder and disdain; she would recite her list, and he would mutter unintelligible groans. He was not the best companion she could ask for, but he would do. He would take her back to her family.

 

Her family; that was the only thing that made this morning different from any other morning. So close was she that she could practically smell them and touch them, she felt. Across the river she could see the castle where her family was staying and could barely contain her excitement. She wasted no time breaking her fast and barely spared her Needle a glance. But Clegane was not to be rushed.

 

“Your family will still be at the Twins, however long we take. It’s just over the fucking river, we’ll be there by sunset and we’ll drink them empty at the wedding. Will you be wearing a pretty little dress for your uncle’s wedding?”

“Shut up, you stupid” _and hurry up_ , she wanted to add.

“A pretty maiden, all dressed in pink, dancing to the sweet tune of the harp, teedle lee teedle laa” he mocked her.

“Shut up!”

 

After he had had his fun, they resumed their trek. They had acquired a cart and loaded it with pork and caskets of wine. She preferred not to remember _how_ they had acquired the cart and the supplies: that poor farmer did not deserve what the Hound had done to him - just another casualty to add to the long list of people she had seen perish in this bloody war. The Hound’s idea was to approach the castle gates and pretend they were bringing supplies for the wedding. Once inside he would meet with her brother Robb and negotiate: Arya for a big bag of money.

 

They could hear the music and the cries of joy as they approached. All the highborn Lords and Ladies and the families of the bride and groom would be inside the Halls. Common soldiers and hedge knight had been _invited_ to the party held outside in the yard. She supposed they did not mind the snub as they seemed to be in great spirits enjoying the ale, the food and the fires.

 

“We bring food and ale for the Lord’s daughter’s wedding” Clegane told the guard who stopped them at the gate.

“Party is over” he replied. “Go away”.

“No, we bring food and ale for the party” Clegane insisted.

“Are you soft in the head? Did the fire burn more than just the skin on your stupid head?” the man said and Arya just knew how badly he had erred. One just did not mock The Hound’s burned face or make a reference to fire and lived.

 

Suddenly the scene around them changed. Well, it did not really change. It was just that Arya finally took in what was really going on. Soldiers were not passed out on drink, they were dead. That was not pork on the platters on the tables, it was severed limbs and broken bodies. It was not bonfires that were burning, but her brother’s bannermen tents. _Her brother had been betrayed by the Freys inside the Twins._ The Hound, who had realized what was going on long before Arya did, quickly disposed of the guard in front of them.

 

“We have to go. We’re too late” he told her

“No! We can’t leave! My family’s inside!” she cried back.

“Your family’s dead”

“No, they aren’t. You don’t know. We have to get inside” she pleaded. “Please!”

“I ain’t going in there. They ain’t killing me there”

“They won’t kill you if we help my family! If we help them they’ll pay you even more. Please!”

“Oh, what gives?” he finally acquiesced. “Come on, let’s save your pretty mother and fool of a brother”

 

They sneaked inside the yard and, with their backs to the wall, slowly made their approach to the front door. As they were close to the kennels, Arya thought she heard a soft howl. _GreyWind!_ Her bother’s direwolf was being kept in the kennels. Without a warning she darted across the open space between the wall and the cages and promptly freed the wolf. She retuned to the Hound, who just shook his head in disbelief. “Fucking animals” he muttered.

 

The front door was barred so they tried a window instead. The Hound broke a glass and they both climbed in and found themselves in a hallway that led to the Main Hall. They were a few feet away from the door when they saw a shadow hide behind a column.

 

“Come out to play” the Hound taunted the man grabbing his sword. Arya mimicked the gesture and pulled out her blade. When nobody stepped out, he just reached out and grabbed a man by the neck. “I’ll be damned” he said when he saw the man’s face.

 

Arya took a look at the man. He was old, older than the Hound for sure, but he was well built and looked fit and healthy for an old man. He was wearing suit of armor so that made him an important man. _But whose man?,_ Arya wondered. His armor was black and was covered in what looked like scales, he was probably a bastard or a discarded branch of some family. Then she saw a sigil. It was a trout! Her mother’s sigil! Only it was black, not blue and red.

 

“Well, well” said the Hound. “If it isn’t Brynden The Blackfish Tully! What are you doing out here? Why aren’t you inside the Halls partaking in the joy?”

“Clegane! There is no joy inside you fool!” the man replied and lunged at the Hound hoping to disarm him.

“Stop it! I’m on your side, you cunt!” When the Blackfish backed down, Clegane introduced him to Arya. “This is Arya Stark, your niece’s daughter. I intend to sell her back to her family”

“If we don’t get back inside there will be no family to sell her to!”

“So, why aren’t you inside? Did you abandon my mother and my brother?” Arya yelled outraged. “You cunt!” The Blackfish was taken aback by the insult. He wouldn’t think any offspring of her beloved niece Catelyn would have such a potty mouth. The Hound, on the other hand, smiled proudly. He was finally rubbing off on the girl.

“I only stepped out to take a piss. I am unarmed and the door is barred from the inside. I was outside when the yelling started. I was trying to make my way back in when I saw you”

“Well, brace yourself, then. We’re about to crash the party!” the Hound replied.

 

GreyWind sprinted towards the barred door and pushed it with all his might. The door collapsed and became unhinged. The sudden joy at their first victory was quickly damped by the sight that greeted them on the other side: men were fighting but the fight was utterly unfair. One side was drunk, unarmed and unprotected; the other was well-prepared and geared for battle. There were archers on the balcony shooting everything that moved below. Arya quickly spotted her brother kneeling on front of a fallen woman and saw her mother hiding under a table. What could a Hound, an unarmed fish and a little wolf girl do to turn the tide? The answer came in grey.

 

Robb’s direwolf gave a fierce growl and lunged into a frenzied attack. He mauled anything that moved and started biting off chunks of flesh and limbs from the Frey soldiers. That gave the Hound, the Blackfish and Arya the encouragement they needed. They stepped inside and followed suit. Brynden Tully grabbed the first sword he found and the three of them started hacking off at any Frey soldier they saw.

 

The battle in the Hall continued and upon seeing their saviors, the Stark men began to feel empowered and redoubled their efforts. But there was till the issue of the archers in the balcony. Grabbing a knife from the table, the Blackfish aimed at the chandelier hanging from the ceiling, successfully cutting the rope holding it. The big piece of furniture fell on the archers putting an end to their lives and the advantage they held. When no more arrows were falling, the Stark men and women got out from under the tables and joined in the fight.

 

And just like that the tide had turned …

 

Robb grabbed a sword and attacked anybody who dared approach him and the young woman before him. Her mother, Lady Catelyn grabbed a knife and started wielding it as if she had done it all her life. She actually seemed to be enjoying the experience. GreyWind was feasting on Frey flesh as if he had been starved for days.

 

Soon, there were very few Freys to finish off in the Hall. Once Walder Frey surrendered the rest of the Frey men dropped their blades. Of course, having a big giant wolf snarling and baring its teeth at his head went a long way into convincing Walder Frey to yield.

 

Once the battle inside the Hall was won, they stepped outside to help their counterparts in the yard outside. To their surprise, their help was not really needed. Unbeknown to him, the Brotherhood without Banners had followed the Hound into the Twins and upon seeing some of their former comrades in such a plight, they had decided to lend a hand.

 

The Freys had been defeated and their betrayal thwarted.

 

Inside the hall was a bloody mess. Arya ran off to her mother and they hugged and cried together rejoicing their long-awaited embrace. Meanwhile, Robb knelt next to the woman Arya had seen before.

 

“Talisa” Robb cried. “Oh, please don’t die!” A faint cough and a sad whisper was all he got in reply. “Please, somebody help! My wife is dying! My baby is dying!” he cried.

 

“I can help” a gruff female voice said from the back of the Hall.

 

Maege Mormont, a fierce lady and tough warrior knelt by Talisa’s prone body. With great care and grace she began turning Talisa’s body and inspecting her wounds. “It’s serious” she whispered. “But nothing I can’t fix. I am a renowned healer as well as a strong warrior”

 

One would never suspect such a brutish woman to be so delicate, but Maege Mormont turned from ferocious warrior into gentle nurse in a matter of seconds. She was able to stop the bleeding on Talisa’s stomach and was able to sew the wounds on her skin making sure Robb’s wife did not die. Not only was she able to save the woman, but she also save the baby she was carrying, little Ned Stark, heir to Winterfell and little Prince in the North.

 

And so, this is how, what would have been a massacre, turned into a day of rejoice, a day which would forever be remembered in the annals of the Lore of the North. King Robb Stark was able to win his war and established a Kingdom in the North under the direwolf flag of the Starks. … All because a Dog, a Wolf and a Fish decided to crash a party …

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Bran's Fall


	3. Bran falls from the Tower - or how Honour Broke the Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of the major events in the saga re-written as if they had been filmed in season 7 (or 6 or 5). Expect lots of deus-ex-machina moments, last minute rescues, heroic plans, big coincidences, characters knowing a lot more than they should, funny one-liners from otherwise stoic and stiff characters, comedic situations at dire moments, illogical decisions, irrational actions, blind faith in people there is no reason to trust and, of course, sweet innocent romance! Your run-of-the-mill Game of Thrones season …
> 
> Please bear in mind this is PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!
> 
> Please do not leave comments such as XX is completely out of character, YY would never do that, that could never happen. I know!
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think.
> 
> Thanks!

**_ 3) Bran falls from the Tower or How Honour broke the Fall.   _ **

 

“No more climbing” his mother had scolded him. As always, he had promised he wouldn’t do it again, and as always she had seen right through his lie.

 

 _I never fall_ , Bran Stark thought to himself. I can go climbing again and she’ll never know.  So up the broken tower he went, just like he had done hundreds of times before: one hand gripping a ledge, one foot in a cranny, fingers inside a crack in the wall, one knee on a windowsill.

 

He kept climbing until he started to hear voices. _Nobody comes to this tower_ , he thought. The voices were hushed and they sounded like moans, but he couldn’t distinguish who they belonged to. A curious little boy, he wanted to listen in to their conversation. He wondered who they could be and what they could be talking about. And why they would be hiding in a tower nobody ever came to!! So he crawled his way to the window on the third floor, climbed up the tiles, clambered up the side wall and reached the window on the fifth floor. He stopped dead in his tracks when he peeked inside and saw them: the Queen and her brother.

 

His overactive imagination started pouring ideas as to what they might be doing: secretly conspiring against the King, planning a surprise party for the feast, gossiping about the people in Winterfell and his own family, playing a silly game of cyvasse. All sort of ideas came to his head. And so absorbed in his own world was he that he never saw the arm reach out and grab him by the shirt. Only then did he realize they were half naked. He took in Cersei’s position on the floor, their flushed faces, their disheveled hair, their lack of clothing and realized what was going on. They were doing the same thing those people were doing in the illustrations of those books Theon kept under his bed. They were doing love. No, not doing. _Making_. He was never sure of the terminology. Bu he knew what it was. And he knew it was wrong. She was a married woman and they were brother and sister!!!

 

He pleaded with them and promised them he would not tell. But they did not believe him. _I really need to learn how to lie_ , he chastised himself. He was still hanging off the window grabbed by Jamie Lannister when suddenly the man loosened the hold on his shirt slightly. His hopes rose momentarily. But then Jamie turned to Cersei again, and without sparing a glance on Bran he just let go.

 

“The things I do for Love” was the last thing Bran heard Jamie say before he started to fall. He flailed his arms about and kicked his legs trying to get a hold of a ledge or a jutting rock. The voices seemed far and the two faces on the window were getting smaller. He was about to hit the ground.

 

Suddenly his hand found a surface he could hold on to. It was the gargoyle just above the second floor. He was able to grab on, but could not find his footing to climb up. So he was stuck there: no way to climb up and no chance of sliding himself down to safety. He wondered how long he would be able to hold. Looking down he spotted his direwolf obediently waiting for him on the ground.

 

“Summer, help!” he whispered loudly. He couldn’t risk yelling in case the Queen and her brother came back for him. “Summer, go get help” he tried again.

 

After what felt like an eternity he saw his oldest brother Robb, his half brother Jon and their ward Theon run to the tower following his wolf. At the same time he saw the Queen and her brother exit the tower. They looked up at him, and for a minute he thought they would try to bring him down. But then they saw Robb, Theon and Jon coming so they scampered behind the bushes and ran away back into the castle walls.

 

“Hanging around, little brother?” Robb teased him from the ground.

“Hang on Bran!” Jon joined in the banter.

“Do you need a hand?” joked Theon

“Oh, stop teasing and come help me. Please!” Bran told his brothers tired of their silly puns.

 

The three older boys ran inside the tower and climbed up the stairs to the third floor. They reached down from the window but could not get to him. So Robb climbed out and started sliding down the wall while Jon and Theon held his legs. When Robb finally reached Brans’s arms, he grabbed him and in turn, Bran gripped Robb’s arms tightly with his hands. When they were secured, Jon and Theon pulled them up and through the window. Once safe on the third floor Bran let out a big sigh of relief.

 

“So, what was it that mother told you, you little rascal?” Robb teased him again.

“Oh, shut up. I know what I’m doing. I know how to climb and I never fall!” he said defensively.

“Yes, I can see that” chuckled Jon.

“I do!” he yelled back at his brothers. “I did not fall. I was pushed.”

“Pushed? By whom?” Robb asked, his tone turning more serious.

“The Queen and her brother Jamie”

“Why would they push you? And what would they be doing here? Were they hiding in the tower?”

“They were alone and wearing no clothes. They looked like the people on Theon’s books. They were making the love.”

“Making love, you mean. And you see, my books are a great source of knowledge” Theon grinned proudly.

“Hush!” Robb warned him. “These are very serious accusations Bran.”

“I know”

“We need to speak to Father” Robb said and they quickly left the tower and went in search of their father.

 

The four boys ran all the way back to the castle, sprinted up the stairs and burst into their father’s solar. They were panting and out of breath by the time they met their father. Unfortunately he was not alone. He was talking to their mother and the King himself.

 

“Children, what are you doing here? And what sort of entrance is that?” their father scolded them. “We’re having a meeting. Please leave and come back later.”

“Father we need to talk to you” said Robb.

“It will have to wait” their father replied evenly.

“No! It can’t wait!” yelled Bran. “I was climbing the Broken Tower when I found the Que…”

“You were what?” his mother interrupted him. “You were told not to climb! You are grounded for a week. Two weeks. No, make it three weeks!” Catelyn’s face went red.

“Now it’s not the time, mother” he replied leaving his mother in a state of confusion.

“Grounded, that means you need to stay ON the ground lad! Ha Ha!” the King joked.

“Now it’s not the time!” Bran replied and upon seeing his parents’ stern look he realized his mistake. “Your Grace” he added belatedly. Nobody dared utter another word waiting for the King’s reaction.

“Bran, what is going on?” his father asked breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“I was climbing the Broken Tower when I heard voices coming from one of the windows. I reached the top floor and I saw them. It was Jamie Lannister and the Queen” he started. “Your wife, Your Grace” he turned to King Robert. “They were not wearing any clothes and they were making the passion like those people in Theon’s books” he said dubitatively.

“Making the Passion?” the King asked confused.

“Making love” Robb explained. “Doing it” he gestured with his hands.

“Having sex” added Jon. “Bedding”

“Fucking” Theon finished. “The beast with two backs”

“The naked pretzel” said Robb

“Pretzel?” asked the King.

“Yes, it’s a kind of pastry very popular here in the North” Ned explained. “It’s like a biscuit. You get the dough, you roll it into a long line, kind of like a snake, and you pull the ends back together in a very intricate design. But I digress.”

“That is indeed an interesting expression. I suppose I need to try one of these pretzels before I leave” chuckled the King.

“Your Grace, your wife was sleeping with her brother!” Jon said bluntly.

“No!! That can’t be!” the King yelled outraged. “That’s preposterous. It’s a lie!”

“My children would never lie” said Ned. “We raise them in honor and truth.”

“And Duty and Family” added Catelyn.

“You are right” the King finally said calming down. “Did you see them boy?”

“Yes, I did, Your Grace. And they saw me. Jamie Lannister grabbed me through the window and then pushed me down.”

“My sweet boy!” exclaimed a worried Catelyn. “Did you fall? Are you hurt?”

“I’m alright Mother” Bran reassured her. “As I was falling I managed to get a hold of the gargoyle by the second floor, I sent Summer to get help and then Robb, Jon and Theon pulled me up.”

“This is serious, very serious” the King said deep in thought.

“Your Grace” Ned started hesitantly. “I have just realized something. Robb has my wife’s coloring but he has my nose. Sansa has her mother’s hair but she has my ears. Arya looks like me, but she has her mother’s freckles. Bran has a mixture of both my wife and I. Rickon has my wife’s family red hair but he has my face. Jon has my .. his .. mhh” he suddenly stopped himself and looked at his wife who suddenly found herself tensing up, clenching her jaw and fisting her knuckles. “I mean .. Jon ..” he continued not sure how to get out of this mess he had gotten himself into. “But I digress.”

“Ned, get to the point” the King ordered him sternly.

“Yes, I’m sorry. What I mean is that your children are all Lannister. They are blond, paled skinned and with clear eyes. Just like your wife. Just like Jamie Lannister. And just like their brother Tyrion and their father Tywin.”

“Do you mean to say that my wife has been sleeping with her brothers and father and that my children aren’t mine? Oh! That whore!! If I were to guess I would say Joffrey is Tywin’s, Myrcella is Jamie’s and Tommen is Tyrion’s.”

“Actually, Your Grace, I think it’s just her brother Jamie” said Robb.

“Your’re right, of course, that makes sense. She hates Tyrion and I don’t think old Tywin has any arrows left in his quiver, if you catch my drift. Ha ha!! Old Tywin’s wine casket is empty, there’s no more milk in his jug.”

“We understand, Your Grace, Thank you” Catelyn politely stopped him.

“So do you think all my children are bastards?” the King asked his audience and they all nodded in turn. “This is bad, very bad” he continued shaking his head. “Ned, call a meeting. Summon my wife and her brother!”

 

.

When Cersei and Jamie were shown into the solar, they were very confused to find almost all the Stark family and King Robert. Lord and Lady Stark looked apologetic, Robb seemed stoic and proud of the part he had played, Bran seemed worried and insecure, Theon was grinning smugly, Jon looked out of sorts, probably still reeling from what his father had been about to reveal – the identity of his mother. And Robert was fuming. You could practically see the smoke coming out of his ears.

 

“You whore!” the King roared as soon as he saw his wife. “You traitorous cunt” he accused his goodbrother.

“Robert, what is this about?” the Queen asked. “I demand an explanation before I am so cheaply insulted”

“The boy saw you! You two were fucking! You game is over!”

“I would never!” Cersei exclaimed indignantly.

“Quiet woman! The boy saw you” Robert bellowed. “Lad, tell this whore what you saw” he gestured to Bran.

“I .. I … I was …the tower .. and you .. I” Bran found himself unable to elaborate.

“Oh, quiet boy! You need to man up and grow a pair!” Robert interrupted him impatiently. “The boy here says he saw you two fucking in the tower and that then you pushed him out the window!”

“That’s a lie” claimed Jamie. “Your Grace I would never do that.”

“Quiet you golden shit! You will both be executed for treason!” he groaned and everybody gasped.

“Robert, you can’t be serious” cried Cersei. “Are you telling me you are trusting the word of a nine-year-old over ours and judging us guilty based solely on the rambling lies of a child?”

“Of course I am! He is not just a child. He is a Stark. And he is not lying. Starks are renowned for their honor and truthfulness. Never doubt what a Stark says. I trusted Ned when we were young fostering with Jon Arryn. I trusted Ned during the Rebellion. I believed Ned when he told me he had found Lyanna in the Tower of Joy and that there was just a body to bring back. I trust him now to make him my Hand. And by extension I trust his family. Besides, I cannot really pinpoint what it is, but something tells me you Lannisters are not to be trusted. I have this ominous feeling that the Starks are inherently good and honest while the Lannisters are conniving and treacherous. So yes, I am judging you and sentencing you based solely on the word of a Stark” he finished.

 

Silence filled the room. The Starks tried to make themselves smaller to become as inconspicuous as possible. Cersei and Jamie were too dumbfounded to even reply. They just could not go against that logic.

 

The Royal family made preparations to leave Winterfell the following day. Jamie Lannister would be sent to the Wall as a traitor and Cersei would be banished to Casterly Rock stripped of all her titles. Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen, who were innocent in all this, would be taken as wards by King Robert and would remain in the capital, but no titles and honors would pass on to them. As gratitude for helping him sort this mess, Robert offered Ned the position of Hand of the King, which he respectfully declined.

 

On his journey back to King’s Landing, Robert was pondering on all the important decisions he would have to make now. First and foremost he needed a new Hand. He would have to ask his brothers. King Robert also had the arduous task of finding himself a new wife. A list of possible women started forming in his head: freshly widowed Lysa Arryn, but people said she was mad; Margaery Tyrell, she would bring a nice dowry; the oldest of the Stark girls, Sansa, to cement his friendship with the Starks, but she is too young, she probably hasn’t bled yet, I could wait, but I need a woman now, Sansa is very beautiful indeed, she has her mother’s features and a lot of her father’s, I do like her father but… But I digress …

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Shireen in burned ... or not ....


	4. Shireen is burned - or The Onion Wears a Cape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many of the major events in the saga re-written as if they had been filmed in season 7 (or 6 or 5). Expect lots of deus-ex-machina moments, last minute rescues, heroic plans, big coincidences, characters knowing a lot more than they should, funny one-liners from otherwise stoic and stiff characters, comedic situations at dire moments, illogical decisions, irrational actions, blind faith in people there is no reason to trust and, of course, sweet innocent romance! Your run-of-the-mill Game of Thrones season …
> 
> Please bear in mind this is PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!
> 
> Please do not leave comments such as XX is completely out of character, YY would never do that, that could never happen. I know!
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think.
> 
> Thanks!

**_ 4) Shireen is burned or The Onion Wears a Cape.  _ **

 

The little girl was screaming. She didn’t understand what was going on. She had no idea what this woman, his father’s friend and advisor, intended to do with her or why she was being dragged in front of a crowd. She was confused, and she was scared. As they brought her out and forced her to march, she could see the faces of the soldiers. They looked apologetic, even almost embarrassed to be there. Then she saw her mother. She called for her but her mother just lowered her gaze and muttered a prayer. “Shireen, we love you” was all her mother said. She finally locked eyes with her father, but got no reaction whatsoever. She had always considered her father a most affectionate man, with a heart warming smile and nothing but kind words for her. It baffled her to see him so impassive.

 

Fear gripped her when she was brought in front of the woman. Melisandre was her name and she was a priestess from a far away land. She had been advising her father, King Stannis, during his campaign. They had devised many strategies together, but none had been successful. They had tried to invade Kings Landing by sea, but it turned out to be a disaster. They had lost many ships and many men. For a time, Shireen even thought they had lost her father’s trusted Hand, Ser Davos who was always very kind to her and whom she had come to love in turn. The Onion Knight, as he was often called, showed up a few weeks after the failed invasion. He had been marooned but fortunately had been able to find his way back. A smuggler by trade, he had saved her father’s life during the siege in Storm’s End all those years ago by smuggling onions into the castle. They survived on onions for weeks. Reeking of onion was a small price to pay for life, her father had said.

 

Melisandre had come up with other plans to help her father win the crown he so coveted: she had created a shadow to kill an adversary (but Shireen had never been told exactly which adversary it was), and she had told him to go to the Wall to fight some wildlings that were wreaking havoc. After defeating these troublesome creatures and sorting things out at Castle Black they set their sight on their next objective: Winterfell. But the cold weather, hunger and sheer exhaustion was taking a toll on her father’s men. Many were dying and the ones who lived were deserting. Shireen was sure Melisandre would have a trick up her sleeve to stem the flow of men abandoning her father.

 

When she saw the pyre and the torches she realized what the trick was: she was the offering. Shireen froze in panic. She couldn’t move. The men had to drag her forcefully to the altar. When she regained her footing she started screaming. She begged her mother. She begged her father. She begged the soldiers. She would have begged her beloved knight, Ser Davos, but her father had sent him away. Nobody moved a finger. None of the men in the yard were brave enough to contradict the Red Priestess. And none of the men in the yard dared look at Shireen in the eye. They knew what was about to happen and they knew it was wrong. Who could condone burning an innocent girl?

 

Shireen was tied to the pyre and Melisandre started chanting some eerie melody and reciting some prayer. Then, without further a-do, she lit the pyre. Shireen felt the smoke before she felt the heat. The high temperature reached in her seconds and the flames started to rise.

 

Suddenly a black shadow came out of nowhere. The shadow flew past the soldiers, past her father and mother, past the Red Lady and stopped right in front of the fire. Shireen could see the shadow move but her vision was too blurry to make out what he was doing or who he was. She saw the shadow split in two and part of it landed on the fire. When the flames started to subside she could see it was not shadow. It was a black cape that had been thrown at the burning logs. And the man responsible for that brave act was none other than Ser Davos himself!!

 

When they saw what Davos had done, the soldiers sprinted into action. Men started pouring with buckets of water. She briefly wondered where they had taken the buckets and the water from, but decided that little detail was immaterial. What she truly cared about was that the fire had been extinguished and she had been saved!! Ser Davos climbed on the platform where she had been tied and set her free. He hoisted her up on his shoulder and lowered her to he ground.

 

“How dare you?” he shouted accusingly at Melisandre. “How could you let her, Your Grace?” he turned to Stannis.

“It’s the only way” Melisandre said ominously. “We need a King’s blood to offer as sacrifice to R’hllor”

“And did it really have to be her?” Davos pressed on.

“She is a King’s child” the woman replied.

“You had Gendry first, King Robert’s bastard. Why didn’t that work? Was it the wrong kind of King?”

“Any King will do Ser Davos” she answered. “Are you by any chance related to a King? I can always switch the girl for you. If you are not, then you have just ruined the sacrifice and have tampered with Stannis’s chances of winning this war”

“This war is not worth winning if you have to kill a child for it”.

 

Melisandre did not reply. Neither did Shireen’s father and mother. Nobody dared utter a word. Silence cut through the cold air like a knife.

 

“I found something!” a man’s voice rang out. A soldier came running and handed something to Stannis. “I found this book in Melisandre’s tent. It could be important.”

“I doubt it” Stannis replied.

“Give it here” asked Davos. “Let me see”. It was a leather bound notebook. The cover was red and had a golden heart engraved on it. The spine was wrapped in black silk with fine embroidery at the edges. There was a small tag which read something in a language Davos could not recognize, Valyrian by the looks of it. It had been written decades ago, the edges were torn and the pages had a yellowish shade. He opened it and started reading.

 

_“Maester sed I was with chi.. chee.. child. I am truly grot..gra…gateful to the Gods.”_

_“I feel my stomik grow. I can feel the baby grow inseed of me.”_

“Give it up Ser Davos” someone yelled. “hand it to someone who can actually read!”

“Ignore them, Ser Davos. You’re doing a fine job” Shireen reassured her friend. “Please continue”

 

Davos continued flipping through the pages.

 

_“My belovd husband is very hap..happy as well. Many peeple beleeve he is mad, but he is not. He is be..beseede..beside himself with joy. If it’s a boy he wants to name him Jag..hag..Jaaag..Jaehaerys, like his father. I hop he is loved by his older brother Reg..Rhaegar.”_

_“These are dang .. dung … dangiruus times. My husband has enmis all over the land. A rebellion is taking place. My oldest son is fig..fit..fish..fighitng for his father. He has taken a girl, they say. A girl from the North.”_

_“The time is dro..druu..drawing near. I can feel the baby. Not long now.”_

_“My baby is buutiful. It’s a buutiful healthy girl. I will call her Mall..Ml..Melisandre.”_

_“My husband’s enmies are getting close. They will kill us all. I do not wish for my baby girl to die. I need to send her far away. I will speeke to my friend the Spider. He’ll know we..her..where to take her. I hop I see her again one day.”_

Davos stopped reading. His captive audience could not believe what they had just discovered.

 

“Melisandre, are you Aerys Targaryen’s daughter? Are you related to the Mad King?” Stannis asked her enraged. When she did not respond he continued. “How could you keep this from me? Are you truly working for me or are you working for that dragonspawn out there in Essos? They say she is mounting an army and desires to come back? Are you working for her?”

“No my Lord, I swear. I only work for you and strive so that you can find your rightful place on the throne” she pleaded.

“My Lord,” Stannis’s wife, Selyse, called his attention. “We really need to complete the ritual if we want to have the favours of the God and be victorious. We need royal blood. And any King will suffice. We have royal blood right in front of our very eyes” she finished gesturing towards the Red Lady.

 

Melisandre suddenly found herself surrounded by soldiers who grabbed her and held her arms behind her back. Unable to move, she pleaded to Stannis with her eyes. They glowed red, but Stannis just ignored it.

 

“Ser Davos, will you do the honors?” Stannis offered.

 

Happy to oblige, Davos ordered the men to tie Melisandre to the stake and lit the pyre with a gleeful smile on his face.

 

While the Red Lady burned and screamed in agony, Shireen ran to Davos and hugged him. Her father and mother soon joined in the embrace making for a lovely family scene.

 

“I’m glad you returned, Ser Davos” Stannis told him. “And just in time” he jested.

“It’s not as cold as they say at Castle Black. I finally was able to put the cape to good use” he winked and they all broke into laughter.

 

Stannis Baratheron hoped the ritual would prove effective and would lead him on a victorious path to the throne. Did it? We don’t know. But at least the family stayed together and Ser Davos became the hero of the fabled songs and poems Shireen was used to singing …

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Catelyn arrests Tyrion ... unless ...


	5. Catelyn Arrests Tyrion - or an Impromptu Court

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Many of the major events in the saga re-written as if they had been filmed in season 7 (or 6 or 5). Expect lots of deus-ex-machina moments, last minute rescues, heroic plans, big coincidences, characters knowing a lot more than they should, funny one-liners from otherwise stoic and stiff characters, comedic situations at dire moments, illogical decisions, irrational actions, blind faith in people there is no reason to trust and, of course, sweet innocent romance! Your run-of-the-mill Game of Thrones season …
> 
> Please bear in mind this is PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!
> 
> Please do not leave comments such as XX is completely out of character, YY would never do that, that could never happen. I know!
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think.
> 
> Thanks!

**_ 5) Catelyn arrests Tyrion or An Impromptu Court _ **

 

 _The dagger belongs to the Imp_ , Catelyn had been told. It was that damn abomination of a creature born to the Lannisters, Tyrion the dwarf. The Lannisters had killed Jon Arryn and had now tried to kill her young son twice: first they had thrown him off a window and then they had sent an armed assassin after him. Her sister had told her so. Her beloved friend Petyr had told her so. They wouldn’t lie to her, would they?

 

 _Family Duty Honor._ No, her sister would never lie. They had been very close as girls, and even though they hadn’t seen each other in years, she didn’t think she would be lying about something so serious. And Petyr was her dear friend. They had not parted in the best of terms and after that, they hadn’t seen each other for years. And yet, he had been the only one to help her when she arrived in King’s Landing with the dagger and didn’t know who to turn to. He had always helped her. She knew he had been in love with her when they were children. And judging by the way he had looked at her back at the capital, he probably still was. She remembered all those stolen kisses back in her home in Riverrun when they were children and Petyr was a ward of her father’s. They used to play together all the time. Lysa was in love with him, but she knew it was her that Petyr actually loved. He had even declared her love for her in front of an audience and challenged her betrothed to a duel for her hand. He was very sweet as a young boy. Her Petyr, Lord Baelish now, Maester of Coin. He would not lie to her about this.

 

She had discussed it with her husband before she left the capital. They now had more than ample reason to suspect the Lannisters were behind this string of misdeeds. Ned was going to stay behind and find out all he could. She was to return home and stay put, which she very well intended to do. But fate had other plans …

 

It was a long way from King’s Landing back to Winterfell, and Catelyn and Ser Rodrik Cassel were travelling by horse. They had stopped at the Inn at the Crossroads and were enjoying a very delicious meal. She planned to return home, nurse her son as much as she could and get everything ready for a possible armed conflict. Things could escalate at any minute if the truth of what they suspected were to come out. Her meal was suddenly interrupted by a voice she recognized right away: the very man who had been haunting her nightmares for the past few days, ever since that fateful conversation with Petyr Baelish.

 

“My name is Tyrion Lannister” he said. “The Innkeeper has kindly told me there are no rooms available in this Inn. I’m willing to bet this coin will prove her wrong.”

“You can have my room if I can have more of those coins” a man said.

“Wise man” the Lannister Imp replied and handed over the coins. “How about some food?” he asked the innkeeper again. “Or are you out of food as well?”

“No, my Lord. You can sit at a table and I’ll be right with you” she answered none too happy.

 

Catelyn could hear him walking in her direction and tried to hide as much as she could. She pulled up the hood and tried to make herself smaller. She was sure the Imp would not recognize Ser Cassel and if she could hide well enough she could pass off as his daughter. But fate had other plans …

 

“Lady Stark” the Imp surprised her. “Fancy meeting you here!”

“Lord Tyrion” she returned the courtesy.

“I would think you would be at home nursing your son” he said.

“I’m on my way back”

“I stopped at Winterfell and was surprised by your absence. I wonder what you’re doing so far away from home. I saw your sons. They truly missed your company and they could sure use your help”

 

Catelyn felt her blood boil. She could not believe the gall this man had. First he mocks her young son whom he tried to have killed, then questions her about her whereabouts, and then he dares taunt her about the safety of her children. He had to pay.

 

“My name is Catelyn Stark” she said in a loud voice as she rose. “I was Catelyn Tully the last time I stayed at this Inn”

 

The Innkeeper gasped surprised, as did most other guests at the Inn. Catelyn started greeting each of the patrons, recognizing the sigils on their chests, asking about their relatives and telling how much she knew about each of their Houses and Families.

 

“All right, I get it” Tyrion said apprehensively. “These are your father’s lands and you have many friends.”

“This man was a guest at my house. While under my roof and partaking of my hospitality, he tried to have my son murdered twice. In the name of your liege lord, my father, Lord Hoster Tully, I command you to seize this man” Catelyn finished in a tone that left no room for dispute.

 

No sooner had she finished the phrase than the clanging of swords being unsheathed filled the room.

 

“Lord Tyrion Lannister, you are under arrest for the assassination attempt on my son, the son of Lord Ned Stark of Winterfell.”

“Are you going to execute me without proof?” Tyrion asked.

“Of course not. Who do you take me for?” she replied seemingly offended by the implication. “I have proof and I intend to take you to Justice so you can have a fair trial.”

 

“By the Gods, are you in luck!” a voice rang out next to the door. It was a short plump man with receding greasy hair, crooked nose and yellow teeth. His forehead glistened with sweat. The bulge in his stomach stretched his shirt so much it looked as if it were about to burst. “My name is Lord Mykhal, of House Bolton and I’m a judge” he said finishing a leg of chicken and wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

 

He approached Tyrion and extended his hand. Upon seeing the yellowish sleeve and the greasy palm Tyrion put his hands in his pockets and opted for a courteous nod of the head instead. Catelyn did the same when he approached her.

 

“Maybe I can be of service” Lord Mykhal told his audience. “My position as judge has taken me to many distant lands. It is my job to go to different towns and settle disputes. In fact, it is not two days past that I sorted out the mess of the stolen pig between Ser Gusteen and the farmer’s wife who claimed they had been robbed. It happened in a town not far from here. I have been known to hold court in the most unbelievable of places. In fact, three years ago I was at a brothel when a whore and her client had an issue. Mind you, I was not a client of such establishment, I was merely passing by.”

“I can imagine” Catelyn interrupted his rambling. “I have evidence that proves this man is guilty”

“Let’s hear it!” Lord Mykhal said excitedly.

 

He promptly organized a court of Justice. He set the tables so that both Tyrion and Catelyn could use a table each. He designated ten people to act as jury and instructed them to ignore prior knowledge or reputation of the people involved and focus solely on their statements and the evidence submitted. When he deemed everything was ready, he signaled for the trial to begin. Catelyn gave her statement first.

 

“This man was a guest at my House, Winterfell, together with his family, Queen Cersei and King Robert Baratheon. This was after the unfortunate death of Jon Arryn, former Hand of the King and husband to my sister, Lady Lysa. While they were guests under my roof I received a letter from my sister warning us about the Lannisters indicating they had been responsible for Lord Arryn’s death. My husband was offered the position of Hand by King Robert himself. In an attempt to delve into the death of Jon Arryn, a man my husband loved like a father, he accepted the position.

 

“Meanwhile, my son suffered a crippling accident. He was pushed from a window in a tower breaking his legs and leaving him abed. Upon further investigation, I discovered evidence that placed a Lannister at the scene of the crime. I found a strand of blond hair in the tower. Nobody in my household has blond hair. The hair was golden blond, like the Lannisters’. There was a second attempt on my son’s life. An assassin came for him in the night. Had it not been for my son’s wolf, both my son and I would be dead now. The assassin was armed with a dagger: the blade was made of valyrian steel and the handle was made of ebony studded with rubies. It was a very recognizable blade. I needed to warn my husband of the danger he was stepping into. Since my husband had already left with the King, I decided to travel to the Capital to warn him in person.

 

“Once in the capital, Lord Petyr Baelish, a very dear friend told me the dagger in question belonged to Tyrion Lannister. My friend has always been true to me and I know for a fact he holds great affection for me. He would have no need to lie to me and he would gain nothing from it. I have no reason not to trust him.

 

“I discussed the matter with my husband and we agreed I was to go back home and he would take care of things from the capital. I did not set out to find Lord Tyrion. He found me instead. He approached me and taunted me about my absence at my house and the safety of my children. I am not about to let this man free so he can attack them again.” She finished her speech.

 

“Lady Stark, that was a quite a convincing speech” Lord Mykhal congratulated her. “Lord Tyrion how do you plead? What do you have to say about these charges?”

“Mhh .. well …. Not guilty, My Lord, I suppose” he replied.

“Excellent” Lord Mykhal cried excitedly rubbing his hands. “Lord and Ladies, we have got ourselves a trial. Lady Catelyn has spared no detail as to why she considers Lord Tyrion guilty. And if I may say so, though a judge should never influence the Jury, her statement sounded very convincing. Lord Tyrion claims he is innocent. Members of the Jury, please discuss amongst yourselves until you have reached a verdict” he said and leaned back on his chair ready to savour his ale.

“My Lord, we really have nothing to go by except Lady Catelyn’s testimony” one of the members of the Jury remarked.

“Oh, you’re right” Lord Mykhal said putting down his ale. “Lord Tyrion, please would you care to elaborate on why you believe you are not guilty?”

“Well, for starters, I did not push her son through the window. I never even climbed the bloody tower. In addition, I own no such dagger. I cannot deny the accusation other than with my own word. I hope you find my word worthy of your trust.”

“Lord Lannister,” Catelyn turned to Tyrion. Setting her jaw and frowning her eyebrows she looked to be deep in though. “Do you swear the dagger does not belong to you?”

“Absolutely My Lady”

“And do you swear you had nothing to do with my son’s accident?”

“Absolutely My Lady”

“Well, I really have no reason to trust you over my sister and my beloved friend. Your family and their behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. But something tells me you are the good Lannister. I really have nothing to back this up, it’s just a hunch. Call it female intuition if you wish. But I feel you are being truthful. Do you believe my good friend Lord Baelish lied to me?”

“I do My Lady”

“Well, I really have no reason to distrust my friend, but something tells me he is not being truthful. Again, call it intuition if you wish.”

“Lady Catelyn, what are you saying?” Lord Mykhal asked her.

“I’m going to go against my better judgment and out of the blue and for no reason whatsoever I’m going to trust this man I believed my enemy until a few minutes ago. Lord Tyrion, I drop all charges against you”

“Lady Catelyn” Tyrion replied “I thank you for your kindness. If you want I can help you with the investigation. I saw my sister and my brother going into the tower the day in question. They may be the Lannisters whose hair you found. Also, I have reason to believe Lord Baelish is upto no good. Again, I have no proof, but I believe he may have been conspiring with your sister to kill Jon Arryn. As for the assassin sent after your son, I really have nothing to back this up, but I have an inkling it may have been my nephew Joffrey.”

“Lord Tyrion, this is very valuable information you are providing me” Catelyn thanked him. “Please join me at my table so we can discuss these matters at large.”

 

As Catelyn and Tyrion retired to a table, Lord Mykhal of House Bolton was left to ponder on what he had just witnessed. He truly loved it when a job was well done. He decided to end this Justice session as he always did.

 

“My Lords, My Ladies, as another good session of Justice comes to an end” he said “I’d like to leave you with a song my old master taught me back when I was a mere apprentice following him around the land administering justice and enforcing the law:

 

_“Should Old Injustice be forgot_

_And never brought to mind?_

_Should Old Injustice be forgot_

_For the sake of False Pretence?_

_For All Justice Served, my dear_

_For All Justice Served_

_We’ll take a cup of your fine ale_

_For the sake of Justice Served”_

And that’s how an impromptu court prevented the War of the Five Kings. Instead of taunting each other, two sensible minds got together and threw caution and common sense out the window, two enemies decided to trust each other for no reason whatsoever. And the world was a better place for it …

 

After travelling around the continent for a good many years, Judge Lord Mykhal of House Bolton decided to give up his career in the Justice system to pursue his musical interest.

 

He became famous for hits such as:

 

**_When a Man Flays a Woman : _ **

_When a man Flays a Woman,_

_He can’t keep his mind on nothing else._

_He’d sharpen the tools_

_For the victim he’s found_

**_ Can I cut you there:  _ **

_Can I cut you there,_

_Slice you deep inside,_

_Can I rip your heart_

_The way you’re ripping mine_

_Can I chop you there_

_Can I dice you there?_

 

**_ How can we be allies if we can’t be friends:  _ **

_How can we be allies if we can’t be friends?_

_How can we start over when the fighting never ends?_

_How can we start flaying if we can’t make amends?_

_How can we be allies if we can’t be friends?_

 

**_ How am I supposed to leech without you: _ **

_Tell me how am I supposed to leech without you?_

_Now that we’ve been leeching for so long?_

_How am I supposed to leech without you?_

_How am I supposed to carry on_

_When all that I’ve been living for is gone?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to get Eddard of House Sheeran, but he was not available ...
> 
> Up next: Lysa gets thrown off the Moon Door ...


	6. Lysa Falls off the Moon Door - or One Flew Over the Falcon's Nest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of the major events in the saga re-written as if they had been filmed in season 7 (or 6 or 5). Expect lots of deus-ex-machina moments, last minute rescues, heroic plans, big coincidences, characters knowing a lot more than they should, funny one-liners from otherwise stoic and stiff characters, comedic situations at dire moments, illogical decisions, irrational actions, blind faith in people there is no reason to trust and, of course, sweet innocent romance! Your run-of-the-mill Game of Thrones season …
> 
> Please bear in mind this is PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!
> 
> Please do not leave comments such as XX is completely out of character, YY would never do that, that could never happen. I know!
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think.
> 
> Thanks!

**_ 6) Lysa gets thrown through the Moon door or One flew over the Falcon’s Nest.  _ **

 

“You kissed him” Lysa Tully cried enraged. “You kissed my dear Petyr, my beloved husband! I saw you with my own eyes, Sansa Stark. You are an ungrateful brat. My husband, my sweet Petyr brought you here to the Eyrie, my House, trying to save your life. He did it out of respect for my sister and because he is a good man. And this is how you repay him? This is how you repay my kind hospitality? By trying to seduce my husband and drive us apart? You are a whore, just like your mother. She tried to take my Petyr away from me but could not, and now she’s dead. Now you’re trying to take my Petyr away from me, and you will suffer the same fate!”

 

In a state of fury and rage, lady Lysa Tully, now Lysa Baelish by marriage, approached her dear niece and grabbed her by the neck. Strongly and forcefully she dragged the poor girl to the Moon Door and opened it.

 

Sansa stared at the gaping hole on the floor and looked at the immensity below. She had heard about the Moon Door and its purpose, but until now, she had only seen it with the lid closed. Once it opened she realized why people feared this place so much. The Eyrie was built at the top of mountainous rocks. The Moon Door was actually a trap door that opened on the floor and led into the void down below. The ground was so far away you could not even see if from above.

 

In the North criminals were beheaded. In the South, they used a henchman or executioner. The Iron Islands drowned their prisoners. In the Eyrie they threw them off the Moon Door. Such was the height that people said sometimes you could not even hear the bodies when they hit the ground. Sansa had no desire to test that for herself. Yet, try as she might, she could not break free from the grasp of her aunt. Fortunately, she didn’t have to.

 

“My sweet wife” a soft male voice said. “Let her go”

“Petyr!” Lysa greeted the man that was slowly approaching them. “But she tried to kiss you! I saw it with my own eyes!”

“No, she didn’t. You must be mistaken, my sweet wife” he continued carefully taking another step closer.

“She wants to seduce you and drive you away from me!”

“No, she doesn’t. Let her go” he said softly and reached out to take her arms gently. “Let her go.”

 

Lysa let go of her niece, who crawled as far away from the Moon Door as she could. Petyr Baelish held his wife close and whispered something in her ear.

 

“Do you mean that?” Lysa asked with a dreamy expression in her eyes.

“Of course, my dear. I have only loved one woman” he replied tenderly. “Your sister!” he added as he pushed her through the hole into the abyss below.

 

Fortunately for Baelish, there were no witnesses save for Sansa, who was, in fact, extremely grateful he had come to her rescue again. He must truly have been a good friend to her mother since he was going to such lengths to help her. Poor girl was so overwhelmed with emotions she broke down and started crying. Petyr Baelish held her gently and let her cry on his shoulder. He was becoming a good father figure to her.

 

She sobbed and cried about her recent brush with death, about all the ordeal she had gone through in the capital at the hands of the King, about the fate of her family, the death of her father, the murder of her mother and brother, the disappearance of her sister, and the unknown whereabouts of her two younger brothers. At least she was grateful that, as far as she knew, her half brother was safe back at castle Black. And she was grateful that she had this friend of her mother’s that was now doing his best to make sure she was safe.

 

But this tender moment lasted for only a few minutes. Having heard the commotion and seen a body fall, many of the Lords Declarant burst into the Hall. The Lords Declarant were Vale Lords who bitterly opposed Lysa’s marriage to Lord Baelish. They feared this opportunist man who had managed to make his way up the ladder from a simple ward to Lord of a House and Master of Coin and member of the King’s Small Council. They suspected he was just using their Lady Lysa to further his political ambitions and would try to take the Vale and the Eyrie for himself.

 

As soon as the Lords Decalrant made their way into the room and saw Baelish and Sansa hugging and no trace of Lady Lysa they assumed the worst. Baelsih was promptly accused of throwing Lysa down the Moon Door. He tried to explain the situation and defend himself saying that he was just trying to save Sansa’s life and that Lysa had gone mad, but the Lords Declarant would have none of it. It was not until Sansa herself spoke in his defense that they relented.

 

“It is late at night, my Lords and Ladies” Petyr Baelish said. “Sansa needs to rest, and so do I. I would like to be given the time to mourn my dear wife in peace. My wife’s son, sweet Robin needs to be told and he will need special help tonight to process what has just happened. Let us agree to meet here tomorrow to discuss how to proceed.”

 

Not wanting to appear too harsh and unsympathetic, or to jump to conclusions without evidence, the Lords Declarant agreed. A meeting was arranged for the following morning after they had all rested.

 

Sansa turned in her bed unable to sleep. Sweet Robin had been told of his mother’s demise and had been given drops to help him find sleep. The Lords Declarant had gathered and were discussing how they could charge Lord Baelish and be rid of him, but without solid evidence that proved his true motives and with Sansa’s statement in his defense, this was proving to be a most arduous task. Baelish, on the other hand, was resting on his bed, the one he used to share with Lysa, grinning proudly thinking of another achievement accomplished.

 

The following morning, the arranged meeting began as scheduled. The main issues were, firstly, to explain the details surrounding Lady Lysa’s death, and secondly to define the path to go forward on what concerned the ruling of the Vale: who would be in charge, what duties and responsibilities they would have, and what was to happen to Sweet Robin.

 

The session was presided by Baelish himself, in his temporary role as Sweet Robin’s regent and as late Lady Lysa’s husband. However, not too long after he commenced the meeting the doors opened and a disheveled woman with torn clothes, gashes on her face, dirt all over her body and her hair all in tangles, showed up at the entrance. It took them all a while to realize that this woman in front of them was none other than Lady Lysa herself.

 

“Lysa, my sweet wife!” Baelish was the first to greet her.

“How can that be?” somebody asked

“You fell off the Moon Door. How can you have survived?” people started wondering

“What trick is this?”

“Is this even possible?”

 

“Silence!” Lysa ordered. “Yes, it is me and I have survived.”

“Honey, maybe you should go to bed and get some rest. You should be seen to by the Maester” Baelish said quickly. “Please allow me to take you” he added as he walked to her and made to grab her hand.

“I will not go anywhere. Especially not with you!” she replied. “Sit down! I have a story that you will be most interested in hearing” she turned to the Lords Declarant.

 

“As you well know, Petyr Baelish lived with my family as a child. He was a ward of my father’s when we lived in Riverrun. I have no shame to admit I was infatuated with him, while he was, to my shame, smitten with my dear sister Catelyn. It is no secret he fought my sister’s betrothed for her hand and lost. My father cast him out of Riverrun and both my sister and I married our respective husbands. I married Lord Jon Arryn and my sister married her intended betrothed’s brother Lord Ned Stark upon the unfortunate death of Lord Brandon.”

 

She looked at the faces of her audience and realized she would have to get to her point soon. Everybody already knew this story.

 

“Years went by and Lord Baelish managed to make a name for himself. I was very happy for him and proud of his achievements. Until I realized how he managed to climb the ladder so fast.”

 

The expressions on her audience changed radically. Baeslish had a worried look on his face, while the Lords Declarant seemed to be paying full attention, intrigued about what she had to say.

 

“While my late husband, our beloved Lord Jon Arryn, was serving as hand of the King, Petyr Baelish came to me with a proposition. He tried advantage of my frail state of mind and the fact that he knew I was still in love with him. He suggested killing Jon Arryn so that we could be together and rule the Vale as a couple. A proposition I flat out refused, of course. Nevertheless, he went ahead with his plan and when I confronted him, he said that if I told the truth he would say we planned it together and he would bring me down with him.”

 

Her captive audience was still doubtful. Some people looked enraged, but others looked hesitant. She had to win their trust.

 

“You have to understand my situation. I was a widow in a dangerous place in a dangerous time. I had my son and his safety to think about. That was my priority. That’s why I fled the capital and came here and never said a thing” she added almost in tears.

 

Somebody approached her with a tissue and gently offered it to her. She wiped her tears and continued.

 

“Then the war started. Many people blame my sister for arresting Lord Tyrion Lannister. But do you know why she had him arrested? This man, Lord Petyr Baelish, who sits on my husband’s and my son’s chair is nothing but a manipulative liar. He told my sister the dagger used to try to kill her son belonged to Tyrion Lannister. He tried to drive a wedge between the Starks and the Lannisters so this whole war could begin. He betrayed my good brother Lord Stark. He also conspired against the Lannisters in an effort to balance the war and make sure it was prolonged. He benefits from chaos and conflict, so he sought to create confusion to reap the benefits. And as you can see, he has.”

 

She had her audience in the palm of her hand.

 

“After the unfortunate death of my sister, he approached me and asked me to marry him. I really could not refuse. He threatened to implicate me with his crimes as well, and I had the safety of my son to consider and the future of the Vale to take into account. I really had no choice. I knew very well what kind of man he was, but I accepted nonetheless. I had no regards for my own wellbeing, so long as my son and his people were safe.”

 

The Lords Declarant nodded sympathetically .

 

“When he brought Lady Sansa with him, I was beside myself with joy. I have always had a soft spot for my sister’s children. Knowing the terrible fate my sister’s family had suffered, I was glad I could at least be of service to one of them.”

 

Sansa looked confused but decided to stay silent.

 

“Yesterday here in this very same Hall, Sansa and I were discussing, since I erroneously believed she had fallen in love with Petyr. I tried to caution her to be careful and not to fall for his lies when Petyr saw us. He pulled Sansa away from my grasp and then pushed me off the Moon Door.”

 

The Lords Declarant gasped horrified. “But how could you survive the fall?” one of them asked.

 

“As I was falling, I started flailing my arms and legs about. I thought I was going to die, but I was lucky enough that a falcon met me as I was going down. He spread his wings and broke my fall and as I continued my downward journey I landed on some trees. It was a very dense and leafy forest, so the impact was not so hard. The speed and momentum continued carrying me until I fell from the top of the trees and ended up in the river below. The current was very strong and I was in no state to swim. I was dangerously approaching the water fall and there was not a thing I could do to stop my journey. I fell down the cascade and was submerged for quite a while. I was underwater and disoriented until a school of trout found me and brought me to the surface. I had a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder but still managed to swim to the shore where a nice man rescued me. He took me to his house, and with the help of his wife they took care of my most serious wounds. Then they brought me to the Gates and I made the ascent to the Eyrie on my own.”

 

“Sweetling, that is quite a tale” Baleish was the first to react. “But how could you really survive such a long fall?” he probed

“I told you, the birds and the trees broke my fall”

“How could you survive the waterfall?”

“The fish helped me. I can swim, and it’s not like I had some evil monsters pushing me down.”

“How could you survive being underwater for so long?”

“Well, it’s just a river. It’s not like it was freezing water. I was not at risk of hypothermia or anything. Besides, the helpful farmers who rescued me made sure I was warm.”

“I find no fault with her tale, Lord Baelish” said one of the Lords Declarant.

“Neither do I”

“Nor I”

 

Lysa looked at her Lords and thanked them. Then she looked at Sansa and caressed her cheek sweetly. She remarked how much her family had suffered at the hands of Petyr Baelish and because of his scheming and treachery. She added that she was welcome to stay in the Vale for as long as she needed and that family would never be turned away from her house for as long as she lived. Then she faced Petyr Baelish and grinned.

 

“Lord Baelish, you are hereby accused and declared guilty of conspiring against the realm to create conflict, of lying and betraying Lord and Lady Stark, of conspiring against Joffrey Baratheon and the Lannisters, of attempting to murder me by throwing me off the Moon Door and trying to get control of the Vale for yourself. My word enough will suffice.”

 

The Lords Declarant cheered while Baelish was paralyzed with fear.

 

“Lord Royce, would you please do me the favour and open the Moon Door?”

“My pleasure, My Lady” he replied.

 

Petyr Baelish fell to his knees. He started pleading and weeping. He cried and promised he would be good and that he would never hurt anyone again. Through tears and sobs he tired to convince Lysa to spare him. He wailed and cried and rolled on the floor as he repented his crimes. But nothing cold atone for what he had done.

 

The last thing he saw as he fell to the abyss below was Lysa’s victorious grin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next: Catelyn releases Jamie or ...


	7. Catelyn releases Jaime - or A Suicide Squad on a Mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many of the major events in the saga re-written as if they had been filmed in season 7 (or 6 or 5). Expect lots of deus-ex-machina moments, last minute rescues, heroic plans, big coincidences, characters knowing a lot more than they should, funny one-liners from otherwise stoic and stiff characters, comedic situations at dire moments, illogical decisions, irrational actions, blind faith in people there is no reason to trust and, of course, sweet innocent romance! Your run-of-the-mill Game of Thrones season …
> 
> Please bear in mind this is PARODY. NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY!
> 
> Please do not leave comments such as XX is completely out of character, YY would never do that, that could never happen. I know!
> 
> Please enjoy and let me know what you think.
> 
> Thanks!

_ **7) Catelyn releases Jamie or A Suicide Squad on a Mission.** _

 

As a knight, Brienne had seen many men weary and distraught in the heat of battle, many men cry and many men lose hope, but as she watched her Lady, she realized this was different; women were different from men. Lady Catelyn seemed utterly devastated. She was not eating and barely sleeping, her face was worn and tired and her eyes were puffed. It was perfectly understandable, Brienne thought. She was not a mother herself, but she knew how it felt to lose loved ones. She couldn’t even imagine the pain her lady must be going through. Lady Catelyn had already lost her husband and her two youngest sons. One of her daughters was a prisoner in Kings Landing and the other presumably as well. Her oldest son was in the middle of war and was currently in battle miles away. Brienne wished she could alleviate her Lady her feelings of despair, but did not know how to comfort her.

 

“Brienne, come here” Lady Catelyn told her. “You know that my daughter Sansa is still in the capital under the clutches of the queen and her son.”

“Yes, my lady”

“And we haven’t heard form Arya in weeks, but she is probably there as well. Where else can she be?”

“I know not, my Lady”

“I have asked Robb to trade Jamie Lannister for the girls but he has refused. I understand, he cannot give up a most valuable prisoner. But I cannot give up on my girls either. Come with me to the dungeons, Brienne. We’re going to pay the Kingslayer a visit.”

 

Brienne could not fathom what her Lady intended to do with the Lannister prisoner. Surely she was not going to kill him. Question him for information on her missing daughters perhaps? But the Kingslayer hadn’t been in the capital in months, he probably knew nothing about them. Maybe she just intended to vent her frustrations on him. But would she torture him? She certainly didn’t seem the type. However hard Brienne tried, she could not venture a certain guess as to her Lady’s intentions. Her answers would come momentarily, though.

 

Catelyn was very cold and hostile when she greeted the prisoner and wasted no time in idle pleasantries. She went straight to the point.

 

“Ser Jamie” she said “how much would you like to see your beloved sister again?”

“Well, her Nameday is coming up. Are you taking me to her celebration?” he answered smugly.

“I have no time for you bloody jokes! Your sister has my daughters. I have something she wants.”

“Yes, you do, but your son won’t let you trade, will he?” When she didn’t reply he continued. “But your son is not here now, is he?” She remained silent, so he taunted her again. “Oh, Lady Catelyn, don’t tell me you’re going to disobey your son. Sassy Lady!”

“Brienne, loose the chains. And gag him. I don’t want to hear him!”

 

Loosing the chains was not a difficult task, leaving the castle undetected was. Fortunately, having spent all her childhood at Riverrun, Catelyn knew her way around secret passages and barely used gates. Catelyn walked in front with determination and resolve, while Brienne pulled the rope attached to Ser Jamie’s hands, which were bound at the front. As much as he would like to complain about the treatment, the mere thought of being out in the fresh air after spending so many moons behind bars made him feel invigorated. After winding their way through the dungeons and the underbelly of the castle, they found themselves in front of the last door.

 

“Once we leave through this door, we’ll be out of the castle. There is no turning back. We are going to King’s Landing and I’m not coming back without my daughters” Catelyn said.

 

But a big surprise awaited them on the other side. Standing blocking their path was Brynden “the Blackfish” Tully, Catelyn’s uncle.

 

“Cat, I can’t let you do this” he said without any hint of malice.

“Uncle, let me through” she replied, her apparent resolve masking the turmoil she was feeling inside.

“I can’t my sweetling. What you’re doing is very dangerous.”

“I have to. I have no choice. My daughters need me. And I need them” she whispered, her voice breaking at the end.

“I know you do, but there has to be another way” he said holding her gently by the shoulders.

“There isn’t! Robb won’t do it, and I can’t force him to. I know he would love to have Arya and Sansa back. A King cannot afford to lose his most valuable prisoner, whereas mad desperate grieving mother just might.”

“You’ll never make it. It’s a long way to King’s Landing. And once you get there, what are you going to do? Knock on Cersei’s room and ask her to be your friend?”

“Not Cersei, her brother. A few months ago Lord Tyrion sent me Ned’s bones. He also suggested we trade Ser Jamie for the girls. He’ll listen to me when we get there. He has proven to be a man of honor.”

“I can’t let you go alone” he said pulling out his sword.

“Uncle, please!” she cried.

“I am coming with you” he told her sweetly. Then he turned to Jamie and threatened him sword in hand “this sword will be the last thing you see if you hurt my niece or hinder her attempt to get her girls back. Understood?”

“Yes” Jamie responded nodding with his head. He had no plans of ruining his only chance of getting back home.

 

“Uncle,” Catelyn called “how did you know what I intended to do?”

“My dear niece, you could never hide secrets form me” he smiled. “I followed you and once I saw you three going down the riverside staircase I knew where you were going”

“Oh, Uncle, I love you!” she replied giving him a hug before they started their journey into this new adventure.

 

For days they walked. The Blackfish and Brienne would take turns pulling the rope the Kingslayer was tied to. Every so often they would stop to rest and eat. Catelyn had brought supplies, but she had calculated three people, not four, so they were running low. Her uncle went hunting one afternoon and brought a deer, so they truly feasted that night and the night that followed. They always made sure to stay close to rivers and streams so that there was never a shortage of fresh water.

 

One morning as they were about to cross yet another river, they came across a man and a boy. They were arguing about the best way to get across. The man had a gruff voice while the boy had a chirpy, even feminine tone to his voice. The man used foul language and mumbled most of his words while the boy had a tinge of northern highborn accent. They didn’t look like they were related. But they kept arguing nonetheless. Brienne was about to interfere in defense of the boy, but the Blackfish stopped her. The boy didn’t seem to be in any danger. However, they would certainly endanger themselves if they happened to be discovered. They needed to keep a low profile and remain as inconspicuous as possible until they reached the city. Brynden Tully motioned his companions to keep silent and to just stay hidden in the trees. So, they were taken completely by surprise when Catelyn casually strolled out from behind the trees and approached the boy.

 

“Arya?” she called tentatively.

 

Both the man and the boy were taken aback. The man quickly drew his hand to his sword, prompting Brienne and Brynden Tully to come out of the woods as well, leaving an unattended Jamie Lannister behind.

 

The three armed adults looked at each other sword in hand. Meanwhile, Catelyn remained where she was, her eyes glued on the boy. Nobody dared break the stand-off. It was the boy who finally made the first move, and his move mimicked Catelyn’s earlier gesture.

 

“Mother?” the child asked softly.

“Oh, Arya!” Catelyn cried and ran to hug her daughter tightly.

 

Brynden Tully and Brienne exchanged looks and gestured for the Hound to put down his sword as they sheathed theirs.

 

“Oh, well, but isn’t this a lovely scene?” Jamie Lannister mocked them coming out from behind the trees. “What I would give for a harp now, we could sing such lovely songs.”

“Quiet!” Brienne ordered him grabbing the long forgotten rope and giving it a strong tug.

“Do you know each other?” Jamie laughed. “I believe I am the only one lucky enough to know everybody in this motley crew. I remember this little rascal, but she used to have longer hair last time I saw her. And this formidable soldier is none other than Sandor The Hound Clegane. Am I right?”

“Aye” the man spat.

“Aren’t you supposed to be guarding my nephew Joffrey. What are you doing so far away from your King?”

“Fuck the King”

“Well, that is the Hound for you. Lady Catelyn, please excuse his manners, he was raised like a dog, I suppose. This beauty here who can’t seem to want to let go of me is Lady Brienne, and this stoic knight is Brynden Tully” he introduced his companions to Sandor Clegane.

“Stay quiet, Kingslayer” Brynden Tully warned him.

“What, you don’t want him to know who we are? Too late for that. If that woman’s son” he pointed at Catelyn “put out an alert to be on the lookout for a big burly old knight,” he gestured at the Blackfish “a beast of a woman dressed in armor,” pointing at Brienne “a stubborn lady with fiery red hair” moving his finger to Catelyn “and a tall handsome strong gallant knight with beautiful blond hair and eyes that could melt any woman’s heart” he finished pointing at himself “I would say we fit the description. The way I see this is: we’re going to take the girl anyways, no matter what he does. He will either die or come with us. Am I right?”

A scowl was all the reply he received, to which he smirked arrogantly.

 

Mother and daughter were ecstatic to have finally been reunited after so long and in such a fortuitous fashion. Who would have guessed they would find each other in the middle of the countryside of such a vast continent? The Hound had been tempted to join them in their adventure with the promise of a handsome reward if they were successful. So the newly-formed ensemble group of six continued their trek on their way to the capital.

 

“Are you really a woman?” Clegane asked Brienne, who did not dignify his question with a response. “A deaf woman?”

Faster than lightning Brienne pulled out a dagger and put it to his neck “A deaf woman is about to make you a headless corpse.”

When the Hound raised his arms in surrender, Brienne lowered the knife.

“Make any more comments about me and I’ll show you what a woman can do” she finished.

 

It was two days later when they happened upon a tavern. The opportunity to have an oven-cooked meal and a decent drink could not be missed. Once they were comfortably seated they were able to enjoy a meal like they hadn’t had in days. Days of foot march, sleeping on the ground and scarce food was taken a toll on the group, so this respite was more than welcome. That’s why nobody was expecting Arya to jump to her feet and bolt past the bar into the kitchen.

 

She came back a few seconds later pushing a chubby boy a lot taller than Arya herself, wearing an apron and oven mittens.

“Mother, this is Hot Pie” Arya introduced her friend with a smile that brightened her face. “We escaped together and became really good friends. I had no idea he would be here!”

“Hello, Hot Pie” Catelyn greeted the boy apprehensively.

“Hello, Arya’s Lady, My Arya’s moth…I mean, My Lady” he stuttered.

“He is a baker” Arya said proudly.

“Did you make these?” Brynden Tuly asked him pointing at the buns on the table.

“Yes, m’lord”

“They’re good”

“Thank you m’lord.”

“Mother, can he come with us?” Arya asked excitedly.

“Arya, we are not going on vacation” her mother said sternly.

“Pleeeeaaaase” she begged.

“Boy, can you make more of these buns?” the Blackfish asked and Hot Pie nodded.

“And can you make anything else besides bread?” Clegane added.

“I can roast all kinds of animals and make all kinds of soups” he replied.

“Then I say we got ourselves another travelling companion” the Tully man concluded with a smile.

 

This was quite a motley crew: a stubborn highborn Lady set on getting her older daughter back at all costs; her wild younger daughter; the Lady’s uncle, an experienced and valiant knight; a very loyal and brave female knight; a strong fighter who had developed a soft spot for the young girl and who also happened to feel certain affection for the girl they had set out to rescue; a very accomplished baker and just as good a cook; and Jamie Lannister, the Queen’s brother who, at this time, just happened to be the prisoner they were about to exchange for the Lady’s daughter.

 

When the walls of the capital came within sight, the Lady felt a certain trepidation. She was so close to her daughter and yet so far. The first part of the plan had been completed: they arrived to King’s Landing safe and undetected. But they still hadn’t devised a strategy to get Sansa out of the city. And before they got her out, they needed to get in …

 

Hot Pie volunteered to distract the guards with cookies. While the guards were talking to Hot Pie and savouring his biscuits, Arya took advantage of her small size, agility and ability to keep out of sight and swiftly sneaked past the guards and opened a back door following Jamie Lannister’s detailed instructions. Having a person within their group that knew the city inside out was indeed a plus. Together they made their way through the secret entrance and found themselves within the walls of King’s Landing.

 

They figured Sansa would most likely be in the living quarters of the royal family, so they neared the Red Keep as quietly as they could. However, all of a sudden, the Hound stopped dead in his tracks and stomped out in the direction of a big burly man who was training by himself.

 

“I will kill you, you cunt!” he threatened him.

“Go pick a fight with someone your own size you worthless waste of a human being” the big man replied.

 

The Hound was indeed a big man, but this one was gigantic. His arms were thicker than Arya and his legs looked like the trunk of huge a tree. He was very muscular, and by the looks of it, a very experienced fighter. The Hound was good, but pitted against this man he stood no chance.

 

Lady Catelyn was furious. Why would the Hound jeopardize their mission to pick a fight with a stranger, a fight he was very unlikely to win? “It’s his brother” Jamie Lannister explained. Gregor The Mountain Clegane was Sandor Clegane’s older brother. He was the man responsible for the burn marks on his face. Apparently the Hound had vowed revenge upon his brother the next time they meet. And this was it.

 

“This is not time for petty revenge” Catelyn complained.

 

They watched in silence as the two men met in deadly combat. They were both very accomplished fighters, but while the Mountain relied more on strength, the Hound had a better handle of the sword. They exchanged blows and hits. They parried and ducked and attacked and thrust. But soon it was the older brother who was gaining the advantage.

 

“Do something! He’ll kill him!” Catelyn cried.

“You can’t interfere” answered her Uncle. “It’s a brother thing”

 

Catelyn was about to retort when suddenly Brienne drew her sword and sprinted towards the fighting brothers. She attacked Gregor from the side, giving time for The Hound to get back on his feet. He used Brienne’s distraction and successfully stabbed his older brother in the chest. Gregor Clegane was a strong man and did not fall easily. But the wound and the blood loss did take a toll on him and he was easily subdued by his brother. Sandor Clegane lifted his weapon and brought it down on his brother, thus putting an end to his life and their sibling rivalry. He kicked the body and then looked at Brienne and spat on the ground.

 

“You’re welcome” Brienne said.

“I never asked for your help”

“No, you did not, but you received it nonetheless.”

“I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t need it”

“I beg to differ” she replied and left him to his own musings.

 

After the little detour with the sibling dispute they finally reached the walls of the Red Keep. By Jamie’s calculations Sansa should be on the fourth floor. But they couldn’t just casually walk in through the front door. How were they going to climb so high? Well, maybe they didn’t need to climb so high, just past the floors with guards in them.

 

Following Catelyn’s instructions they all took off the outer layers and the clothes they didn’t really need, mostly capes and sashes. Ever the pragmatic one and always ready for all sort of eventualities, Catelyn pulled out a sewing kit from her pouch. Surprising everybody with her speed and dexterity, she was able to form a long stretch of fabric they could use to climb to the window. When she finished, Sandor Clegane tied a big rock to the end and threw it to one of the windows on the third floor. The weight should be able to hold a light person. Arya being the lightest one was chosen to climb first, much to her mother’s chagrin. She had already had bad experiences with her children climbing walls. Her mother held her breath until Arya had safely reached the window. Once on the third floor, she tied the impromptu rope to a column so the rest could climb up as well.

 

Fortunately the window they had chosen belonged to a room currently unoccupied. Swiftly and keeping to the shadows they walked through the halls and up the stairs to the fourth floor. Jamie led hem straight to the room he believed Sansa was using. Since she was not considered a flight risk, no guards were posted on her door, so making their way into her chambers did not prove difficult at all. When they saw that Sansa was alone in her room, all the men and Brienne respectfully waited outside to let the mother and the daughters enjoy such an intimate moment in private.

 

Catelyn and her girls did not wait too long to come out of the room, and the seven made their way back the same way they had got in: down the stairs, into the room, out the window, down the rope, and back into the yard. When they reached the back door they had used to get inside the city, Jamie Lannister stayed behind.

 

“You have upheld your part of the deal” Catelyn told him. “You are free to stay home where you belong.”

“I’m glad it worked” he replied. “Have a safe trip back home. Send my regards to your son” he added as he waved them goodbye.

 

Dreading having to return on foot again, they decided to just go to Dunkensdale, only two days away, and from there take a boat to Riverrun. It was a pleasant journey for Catelyn who took the time to bond with her two girls she had missed so much. The Blackfish took a sudden interest in bakery and started asking Hot Pie for recipes. It was the Hound and Brienne who could not get along. They just kept taunting each other and would not stop bickering. Sandor was still angry she had ruined his revenge upon his brother and she was offended he had not thanked her.

 

It was on the third morning of their boat trip that they all met on deck and could not find Brienne and Sandor Clegane.

“Do you think he killed her?” Sansa asked horrified.

“Or maybe she killed him?” Arya retorted.

“Nobody killed anyone” interrupted Uncle Brynden. “I saw Lady Brienne slip into the Hound’s room last night. She never came out” he said raising his eyebrows and cocking his head.

 

What they had been up to all night became obvious when they finally stepped on to the deck together hand in hand a couple of hours later. Brienne’s hair was matted and her face was red while the Hound and small bruises on his neck …

 

 

And so, we reach the end of this adventure. Who would have thought such a crazy plan with no strategy could work so well? Who would have thought such an assorted crew of characters who share no bond could achieve such great results? Catelyn was able to rescue both her girls and was received as a hero in Riverrun, the fact that she had given up a most prized asset quickly forgiven. The Blackfish took Hot Pie as his squire and they baked together in their free time. And as for Brienne and the Hound, two people who had never met or even heard of each other before and apparently would have no reason to ever get along …. Well, I leave that up to your imagination. …

 

 

 

 

_**Notes** _

_****_ ****

Well, this is all I have for now …

I hope nobody was offended by my work and how I made fun of the show. I was seriously disappointed with it and how they had dumbed down storylines and characters and just disregarded common sense completely. There were so many things I disliked about he last two or three seasons!!! I meant to poke fun at that.

 

_*** People just appeared to “know” things**_ , as if they had read the books or seen the show. They appeared to know who was good and who was bad with nothing to back it up. For example: Danerys just happened to know Tyrion was the good Lannister and trusted him blindly as soon as she saw him. How can you justify a paranoid person such as Danerys blindly trusting a member of the enemy family brought on by a proven traitor who had plotted against her life? Yes, WE know Tyrion is good, she didn’t. The same applies to Davos resurrecting Jon. Why would a sensible and pragmatic person such as Davos ask Melisandre for help to resurrect Jon? Davos hates Melisandre and everything she stands for. And why would they risk their lives for a person they don’t know anything about (actually, all they know about Jon is bad: he has broken almost every single vow of the NightWatch, his brothers don’t trust him and have plotted against him for a reason, he failed to support Stannis ultimately leading to his death). Again, WE know Jon is good and we want him back, but they didn’t. It felt very cheap, almost as if the characters had read the books. I meant to poke fun at that: trusting strangers or even enemies for no reason – just because the reader knows they are trustworthy …

 

* In the books and in seasons 1 – 4, characters made decisions based on logic and common sense. There was always a reason and motivation behind their actions. There is a logical reason why Catelyn arrested Tyrion, why she released Jaime, why Ned warned Cersei, why the Starks trusted Baelish at the beginning, why Robb broke his oath to the Freys, why Sansa trusted the queen, why she didn’t leave with The Hound, etc. Their plans may succeed or not, but they were logical and made sense. Now, _**many things just happened for plot reasons**_ , but with no logic whatsoever. Characters just did things without a reason or even going against their most basic traits: How can two experienced warriors such as Jaime and Bronn attack an armed fortress in broad daylight with no back up like they did in Dorne? They never would!! .. How can a smart fighter like the Blackfish, who has survived many battles, decide to stay and die in Riverrun instead of escaping, regrouping and coming back with an army to win it back? …How can a pragmatic ruler like Stannis who is always trying to prepare for any future eventuality burn his only heir? …How come Jon’s body was not burned after he was killed? All the bodies are burned so that they don’t become white walkers. And since his wasn’t, how come he didn’t become a white walker? … Lineages and traditions are very important in Westeros. Why did little Lyanna Mormont name Jon King when they had Ned’s and Robb’s rightful heir in that very hall? She said “the King whose name is Stark”. There was only one Stark there and it was not Jon. And Sansa was the one who actually won the Battle and retook Winterfell. … All these things just appeared to happen for no logical reason.

 

* _**There were too many implausible moments**_ ; things that could never have happened. One thing is the fantasy element, and I love that: the dragons, whitewalkers, magic, etc. Another thing is the human element. This is supposed to remain real and believable. If everything becomes fantasy, then the magic loses its spell: How could Jon survive the Battle of the Bastards? He was trampled over countless times and was buried in corpses? … How come Jon survived the fight against the white walkers? He was held under freezing water by a horde of zombies, but somehow managed to get himself free, swim up, find the hole on the ice, climb out, and then ride home? What about hypothermia? I understand plot armor, but this is just taking it to an extreme!!

 

* _**They dumbed down characters just to fit plot lines**_. What has Tyrion done in the past three seasons? Nothing!! “I drink and I know things” he said. Well, for the past three seasons he has only been drinking … The same applies to Varys. He is the Maester of Whispers. He has one talent and he didn’t even know the army had left Casterly Rock?? It’s not so easy to hide a whole army marching down the road… Baelish, the greatest mastermind of the saga, the man who caused a war and never got his hands dirty. How was he defeated by three teenagers? They had absolutely no proof other than their word. That trial was a sham and it actually proved the Starks (and the North) do not care for honor and Justice. And the fact that Baelish was reduced to a desperate crying mess was just very low. That’s not Baelish!! … Daenerys is a complex character. Yes, she is an imperialistic despot who would burn you if you disagree with her ways, but there was always a reason she reacted the way she did. In the past season all she did was yell and moan about bending the knee. … What they did to Jon is unforgivable. They butchered a very interesting character with many layers. In the books and before season 5 Jon may not have been the smartest man, but he was not stupid!! The Battle of the Bastards was ridiculous. He just rushed into battle with no strategy, and actually going against what Sansa had warned him about. Rickon’s death is not his fault, but all the other people who died that day were indeed his fault. He had no plan and only managed to get thousands killed. That’s not bravery, that’s stupidity!! He did the same thing in the battle against the wights!! First of all they go to kidnap a wight with no plan whatsoever. And then, once Dany shows up, instead of leaving as soon as they can, he stays behind fighting wights for no reason. His stupidity and arrogance caused the death of the dragon. It is his fault the Ice King got a dragon!!! Jon had to be rescued by a girl in the two most important battles he fought after Hardhome!! They have turned Jon into a useless idiot!! … And where did that forced romance between Daenerys and Jon come from? They had never met before (never even heard of each other!!). She had pestered him all season about bending the knee and he adamantly kept refusing. You don’t just fall head over heels for the person that keeps bothering you to do something you consider dishonorable and you don’t fall for the person who refuses to accept your request. By all accounts, they should have ended the season hating each other. This was just another way to dumb down Jon and Daenerys unnecessarily. …

 

* There were too many _**things that just appeared to conveniently happen**_ and there were just _**too many coincidences**_. How can Jorah and Daario find Daenery’s ring in the middle of the desert? Or Davos find Shireen’s toy in the middle of the snow? … So the Citadel has known about GreyScale for centuries but was never able to find a cure, and Sam just happened to find it? And he just managed to learn basic medicine with no training? Just like he happened to find a very guarded secret? Out of all the books at the Citadel he just happened to come across the one about Rhaegar and Lyanna? And they just happened to have been married? And the bastard just happens to be trueborn? … It takes days to travel, but Gendry was able to make his way back to Eastwatch unharmed (thank God he was not attacked because he was alone and unarmed!!), send a raven to Danerys which arrived promptly, Dany gets on her dragons, flies all the way to the Wall, finds the gang and saves them. Meanwhile the whitewalkers just waited (why attack your enemies while they are defenseless when you can wait for their help to arrive?) … And wasn’t it convenient that Benjen was just waiting there in case anybody needed help? He happened to show up when Bran needed help, and then he showed up when Jon needed help. There’s nobody else beyond the wall, so he has outlived his usefulness. We can kill him now. …

 

* In the past, there was always a consequence for every action and _**characters paid for their mistakes**_. Ned messed up, now he’s dead. Robb messed up, now he’s dead. Yet Jon messed up countless times and not only does he not pay, he’s actually rewarded. He was named King!!!

 

* _**I hated the whole spiel about the Stark honor**_. Starks are NOT honorable, at least not more so than other people. The older generation made several dishonorable acts. Brandon was sleeping around, Lyanna was a spoiled brat that started a war just so that she could elope with her lover and didn’t care about the thousands that died because of it. Ned was an idiot who made his wife and nephew suffer for no reason and he was a hypocrite! I have always hated the way he judged Jaime and branded him a traitor without even bothering to ask (he didn’t even care Jaime’s act had saved thousands!). And yet when he lies to his King, his wife, his nephew, and the North as a whole, he does it with “honor”. And the new generation is not much better. Robb breaks his oaths. Sansa hides and helps a killer only to judge him and execute him afterwards with no trial and no proof (Yohn Royce saw her vouching for LittleFinger back at the Eyrie, and yet, now when she implicates Baelish with no proof he is ok with it. That should have raised a flag!!). Arya kills anybody she deems guilty of whatever crimes she believes happened. Again, no trial and no right to defend themselves. Bran can see things but he chooses what he wants to see and what he wants to say when it serves his purposes. Jon has broken every possible oath on the Watch. He claims he doesn’t want power, but he is ok when it is given to him, regardless how shady it may have been (Sam manipulated the elections for Lord Commander and the way he was chosen King was just ridiculously biased: Sansa was the one with the claim and the one who won the victory; Jon just got thousands killed and achieved nothing). As King in the North, he goes to negotiate with Cersei already planning to double cross, plotting with Danerys. He betrayed the trust his people placed on him when they chose him King. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT opposed to people doing these things. _When you play the Game of Thrones you win or you die_. To win sometimes you have to do despicable things. But what bothers me is the hypocrisy. You can’t do these things and then boast about your honor. The Starks are just as dishonorable as any other family. That speech Jon gave about his honor at the Dragon Pit with Cersei really rubbed me the wrong way. It was disgusting!!

 

As you can see, I was sorely disappointed with the direction the show took. And it’s not a question of show vs book. Back in season 5 when they said they would deviate from the books I was actually very excited. We were going to have two different stories with the characters we love so much. All I wanted was for it to make sense …

 

So, that’s what I did here. I applied the same principles of these past seasons to previous events. They end up making as much sense as seasons 5 – 7 did …

 

Sorry for the rant, but I wanted to explain what I had done and why I had done it. And if you’ve made it so far it’s because at some point you partially agree with at least some of what I have pointed out. Otherwise you would have disregarded this collection of stories completely as crazy crap.

Thanks

 

 

 

 

 


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